Raw Draft Therapy

[Some things are meant to be written without the intention of being read.

This is probably one of those things.]

Okay, we’re taking this nice and slow. First of all, let me address that I am somewhat irked right now – in the sense that I knew this week was too peaceful to be true (especially heading into the infamous Week 8 slump). I should have seen the stress coming from a mile away, but instead, I chose to ignore it. So! Here we are. Typically, when I get overwhelmed, my brain automatically starts creating lists because lists are easy to build up and break down over and over again, as one would like. So here’s a list of random thoughts that have been rummaging around in my head.

  1. A Warning. Listen, I know I provide a lot of warnings as a precursor for what you’re about to get into, but I really feel like you should take this one to heart. THIS POST IS GOING TO BE SENSELESS AND (probably) BORING. This is due to the fact that this particular post is more intended for me, and not so much the audience. To be honest, I’m just letting my fingertips hover over the keyboard, letting my scattered brain relay its messages in its own unrestricted manner. So yes, I really do apologize if someone is actually reading this and is finding it horribly written and horribly thought out.
  2. I feel like I’m in that impeding cul-de-sac of my creative creative cycle in which I just…suck. I encounter it often, so it shouldn’t be a surprise. Call it writer’s block or a slump or simply “one of those days” but nothing’s flowing right. My words don’t mesh well together, I can’t seem to find ideas that resonate strongly with my values and/or my imagination, and whenever I try to write something, it barely makes it pass 200 words before I realize how incoherent everything is and quit. I guess this is also why publishing a post tonight is a big deal to me because I know that no matter how horrible it may be, at least I tried to get over the slump. At least I wrote even when it was very difficult to get myself to write.
  3. My eyes have been problematic this whole spring season. The eyedrops that my optometrist Dr. Downs (A+ guy, just wish he’d stop commenting on my shoes though) prescribed didn’t really work. Almost every day, I wake up to me kneading my eye sockets with my knuckles in desperation to relieve the itchiness. Because of that, I now have red rings and crusty (painful) tendrils of dry skin bordering my eyes in addition to the dark abyss of bags underneath them. I’d say one of the worst side effects of this side effect is that whenever I want to feel dolled up and presentable, I can’t bring myself to smudge BB cream or concealer over my face since I know that it’ll just make me itch even more. It has taken a toll on my confidence sometimes. Like I notice the way other people treat me when I don’t look as presentable as I used to (meaning unkempt facial hair, a constellation of pimples, and yes – my red raccoon eyes). The slightest change in the way their eyebrows scrunch together or how their voice decides to resound a pitch lower or especially how they stand a little taller, a little further away – all signs that subconsciously exhibit their aversion to those who can’t get themselves ready for the day. It’s okay, though. I don’t blame them. Besides, sometimes, I forget that I look like trash and still walk around like I’m the shit anyway.
  4. There’s this little nook in the Mesa Court Study Center that I love sitting down and relaxing in. It’s in a corner against one of the large windows, so the sun radiates in that little area perfectly and I don’t have to worry about anyone peeping over my shoulder. It’s going to be one of the things I will absolutely miss when I move out by the end of the this year.
  5. I want to be a lot of things but I don’t have a lot of guts to do it all. I think my imagination kind of developed backwards because if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my mind would whir with the possibilities: a writer, a producer, a singer, a film maker, a dancer, an artist, a bakery owner, etc. Whereas when I was younger, my immediate answer was a doctor because I loved seeing my parents’ faces light up at the mere sound of it.
  6. I love my school. I feel like it’s kind of risky admitting this out loud, especially because the universe might hear me and immediately perform its dark magic to make me take back such a bold proclamation. But it’s true. I really do love my school. I feel incredibly blessed to have been living and learning in such a beautiful, rigorous campus – even despite all the academic agony that’s never failed to pummel to the ground every quarter. In the beginning of the school year, I was one of those people who was super bitter about not getting into my dream school (UCLA I guess). I couldn’t brag about my rankings, I couldn’t compare myself to the kids who got accepted into bigger, top-tiered institutions. Throughout the past 3 1/2 quarters here, though I’ve gotten to realize that I fit here very well. I think this is something that many incoming college freshmen are anxious about – whether or not they will belong to the school they choose (if they do choose to go to school. Which, by the way, is totally fine if you don’t). If there’s anything I can advise to anyone who’s anticipating their college years next fall, it’s that everything will work out by the end. You will be exactly where you need to be.
  7. Dancers (hip hop in particular) are incredibly mesmerizing and I really wish I was one. *sigh*
  8. The real problems that I’m trying to evade haven’t been mentioned in this list, but it has a lot to do with grades, faith, my sister, and my parents. No need to elaborate, just sending prayers. (If anyone else needs them, don’t be afraid to comment below)
  9. Not to sound cliche or sentimental, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the amount of beauty around me. Not just with nature, but within people too. It’s something that I will never stop being thankful for; the creative, supportive, hard-working, talented friends I have the pleasure of spending time with day in and day out deserve some love.

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