December 13, 2016: “Purpose”

I have a feeling that you’re going to look back on this break and think, “wow why didn’t I cherish it more?” so I’m telling you know that I’m very grateful to not have any homework due any time soon and to not have to worry about finals while some of my friends are still in school and to have the freedom to stay up late and all that

But there are still some consequences that comes with the luxury of being bored…for one, I think too much. Like I have contacted so many people asking them to hang out and not everyone has answered which sort of really took a toll on my confidence and now I want to crawl back into a shell and lay low for the duration of winter break.

The real reason why I’m writing this though is to explain the defeat that’s been carving a hole in me. I feel like since I’m not that good at the one thing I used to be really good at in high school (aka getting good grades) I have to go look for something else I can be good at and be known for, ya know? I look around me and see so many people practicing their passions and all that stuff. And then I look at me and see that I can’t write or read like I used to anymore. I’m not musical or artistic either and I feel like I’d be cheating the word if I call myself a “creator”. It makes me feel so empty, like I don’t have anything to look forward to when I have all this free time to myself, which I feel like is something that I always wish for and now that it’s here, I don’t know what to do with it.

I fantasize about what I want to be like when I grow up and somewhere along those lines, I want to be known for my work. Like without meeting me, I want people to admire what I’ve contributed to society in some way, but I feel like that will never happen because I’m simply not a creative or persevering person. Do I not have any creativity within me at all?? Because that kind of sucks, not gonna lie.


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